How to See The Early Signs of an Abuser - Domestic Violence Awareness

Ok so this may not be to everyone's fortay but i think it is something important that many women miss or make excuses for, therefor it is important for all women to know. (They really should teach us at school, they do sex education so they should this!! Maybe i will go around doing class's?). Domestic violence is still very quiet and avoided being discussed in today's society, Yet in The UK a woman is killed by a violent partner every 3 days. There are reports of 60,000 cases each year in the united kingdom, and they are just the reported cases. There are double the amount never reported. So nobody really knows the correct statistics. As discussed in a very personal post here i have been victim of domestic violence most of my life, though i do not like to call myself a victim as i am a survivor. I have overcome it and it took me years to see the pattern i was repeating.You might be wondering how i have learned to see the signs early on now? Well i have done a course twice now called the Freedom Programme. It is a programme for women who have been victim of domestic violence. Created by Pat Craven. The first time i went to the course was in 2010 and i was not ready, then in 2011 i went back and found i paid more attention though some subjects were harder to deal with than others. 

 Most of us try to block out what has happened to us rather than talking about it, but from my experience it makes it worse. Your burying it, making an excuse for what happened and its likely to happen again. (That's what i did). Sometimes you have to face your demons to over come them as hard as it may be. Always follow your instincts because often when you suspect something isn't quite right, your instincts are often right. Do not ignore them, and get out before you get stuck in the situation. If this helps just one of the ladies who have asked for this post then that would be remarkable, but if this helps many women then that is amazing. I aim to help many women over my lifetime get out and find confidence in themselves. Society needs to wake up and acknowledge how common this is, So here are some of the early signs of a domestic dominator.

Now below i am mentioning several types of Abusers. Your man may not be all of these but if there is more than 1 i would say you have reason to worry. Pat craven states that you should be able to see these signs in the first few weeks, and from my own experience i have found it true to form and got out early of a couple of relationships after learning from the ones i made huge mistakes with.. These have come from both the book, and my own experiences.

 1.) The Bully Dominator 

The bully shouts, glares and smashes & hits things with no self control. He will sulk to get his way and have you feeling worried a lot. He uses his body language to intimidate you using every last inch of it. He will clench his fists a lot and refuse eye contact once he hits the highest rage, not being able to to get enough release doing this he will result to kicking and hitting walls and furniture, often saying he didn't want it to be you he hit. (a man with self control would not need to hit anything!! see the signs). It will eventually be a person. He uses threats, slams doors and paces up and down in a strop. He will deliberately drive too fast & recklessly when you and the kids are in the car, block exits and even hurt pets. So if you see him hitting or kicking a cat or dog, its a wake up call. (Something i should have seen). 

So here's how to spot a bully early on:

 He may go quiet for a short time sulking and not explain to you why. He may be aggressive with others, perhaps he bullies staff at shops,  restaurants & bars? He will use the body language of a bully, so watch out for impatient tapping of fingers, folded arms and swinging feet. You may find if you express your opinion of something he disagrees with he will NOT let it go, he will go railroad until we end up giving up and agree with him. This is control, control is what he craves. Many tell their women very early on in a relationship that he would never hit a woman. (Why would he even need to say this at all anyway?) Flashing lights yet!!?

    2.) The Jailer/ King of the Castle 

 The jailer & king of the castle stops you from working, and seeing your friends and family. He will tell you what to wear and insult what you choose to wear, often saying you can't go out dressed like that, or calls you names like slut, easy etc. He will keep you in the house and sweet talk and seduce your family and friends so they are oblivious to it, leaving you feeling like you have no one to turn to and it becomes impossible to speak out. Yet to you he will bad mouth your family getting you to dislike them and not to see them. (believe me they are masters at this). If you have children he will refuse to care for them and claim its your job. He will become jealous of other people and try to convince you that other men are after you and female friends do not like him (see the paranoia is kicking in). He may get us in trouble with our work and make us late as well as starting arguments when you are late back from work, resulting in us losing our jobs. He will telephone you constantly to have tabs on what you are doing and who you are with. He may lock you in the house, or have you move somewhere isolated where it is hard for you to get to places, making you dependent on him for everything! He will control where you can go and who you see. He may even go as far as to check mileage on your car to confirm you were going where you said and demand that he buys your tickets if using public transport. He will refuse to let you attend medical appointments without him. (often out of fear of you saying what he is like, i have lost count of how many appts i have had to cancel). He will insist on going everywhere with us, or have somebody watch us for him when he is unable to. The jailer really believes that to be a good man he must keep his woman at home. 

So here's how to spot and early jailer/king of the castle:

 Many of the tactics are hard to recognize unless you have done the programme or read the book. Sometimes it takes doing the course several times for it to really take effect. (I know it took me a few). Many of us will see them as Romantic or Loving. We will want to go somewhere and he will insist on taking us and collecting us (To us it is a sweet gesture, to him its so he can see who you are with). He will come on too strong straight away, wanting to see you everyday. He may buy you a nice cell phone to ensure we are safe and phone and text all the time. (Be careful as many have trackers in nowadays) He will call to find out where you have been and who with and check your phone records. He will try to put doubts in your mind about your friends. Leaving you questioning them. He will try to persuade you not to go to work and to take a day off and use sayings like "together for life". If we tell him we are doing something like going out to dinner with friends on Friday night, he will "forget this"  and surprise us with something amazing to do with him, that we don't want to upset him so we end up canceling on our friends. Over time he will throw strops and bring up past issues persuading you not to go out. He will become the DIY Merchant and start doing our DIY as soon as he meets us. He will just stop by randomly and tell us that he will be around tomorrow to help finish of a certain project you needed doing. He will then destroy the job if you leave him. 

 3.) The Head worker 

 The head worker to me is the worse, he is the one that sticks & scares the most as well as being the most popular of the 7 abusers. He is so smart at manipulating what you think, that he will have you thinking it is all just going on in your head. After all as he uses emotional abuse you will just tell yourself  "He's not hitting me so he cannot be an abuser, right?" WRONG!! He is, and this is actually the most common of them. He will emotionally tear you down and be in control of bringing you back up again. He will make you feel stupid and inadequate, telling you things like "your not smart enough to do that", "who are you kidding?" "Your not that pretty", "My niece could do better" etc. He will put us down in front of others and often hide his bullying ways behind humor. (Wow i use humor for everything lol, oops i might rethink it now). He will often not call us by our name but will always call us things like babe, she, the wife etc. He will also call you insulting names like bitch, whore, cow and sometimes give an insulting animal name like little pig. Now i am not saying that every man who gives his partner a pet name is abusive, but its a fact that abusive men will never acknowledge their partners name. He will make you feel ugly and call you fat (very common when you are pregnant or just had a baby) or he will call you anorexic to make you fat and gain weight so that no other man will want you. (Again way familiar with that i got up to a size 18). He will criticize what you eat and what you wear. He may tell you your boobs look droopy, or are on show too much, or that you have too many wrinkles on your face and are looking old. He will compare you to other women on tv and even in the streets. He is often unfaithful and its often with a friend or family member. He will have you thinking that you are going completely mad and tell you things but then claim he never did, which leaves you questioning your own sanity. He will hide things and deny it, so you think your losing it. He will blame everything on your PMS and set you up with counselors determined to prove that you are mentally ill. Which many of us suffering this abuse end up with depression & severe anxiety. Doing all of this and having people see you being mentally unstable helps him out in courts and with social services to get full custody of children if it does go wrong. (believe me, i know all too well i lived in court rooms all of 2011). He will also claim you abused him and use everything he did to you the other way around. He will make excuses and tell us it is our own Fault that he hit us and that he had to. 

Now how to spot the early signs of a head worker: 

 He will tell racist, homophobic or sexist jokes. He will not use our name and refers to us as his bird or woman. He will put us down in front of people and always use humor to do it. He will criticize other women in front of us but he will also praise them and their figures to make us jealous. He will arrive late or stand us up. He will play mind games and be patronizing in the first few weeks, we will feel uneasy but ignore it..DON'T! He will use humor to make insulting comments like "you would be way better looking if you gained a few pounds" or lost a few. 

4.) The Persuader

 The Persuader (What i call the puppy dog, weak side of the man) will use threats or guilt us into doing things he likes. He may threaten to kill or harm you or the children. He will resort to crying when things are not going his way saying that he "loves you" after doing something bad. He may threaten to kill himself (and some even do) that way we are left with that guilt for the rest of our lives (this one is very popular with rapists and sexual controllers). He will threaten to report you to social services, mental health etc. He may threaten to kidnap the kids or get full custody of them if you leave him. He will persuade you to take him back if you leave him (yes i am greatly familiar with this one) and if we have called police he will convince us to drop the charges. Which we do either out of fear or because we see the fake goodness in them they want us to see. These Persuaders are fantastic actors.  We like to think the best i mean after all hes crying he will change right? Wrong! Only he can want to do that himself and most never do. The small minority that do seek help to change either do so once they have lost everything and have ended up in jail. I actually respect the men who generally want to change and be a good man, it takes strength (mentally not physically) to admit fault and change. A persuader will threaten to find us wherever we go and will persuade neighbors to spy on us and keep tabs, as well as convincing employers that we are unstable or unfit for the job. Therefor controlling us. (Yep hence why the kids and myself had to relocate this year) He will try to indicate that he cannot function without you and needs you. Many lie about being ill like saying things like he has cancer or is going to die. (Women abusers will use the I'm pregnant line). He will use other people like friends and family to persuade us to take him back. (I have lost count how many times i have had people talk me back with the lines "he really loves you", "i have never seen him this bad before", what about the children?"Hes heartbroken" blah blah). He will turn up unannounced and kick the door and ring the doorbell until you listen to him. He will use the children against us also and get them to persuade us to take him back. The persuader makes us feel jealous (as he wants us to feel how he feels). He also suggests WE help him to change by changing our own behavior. He will be very insecure, jealous & paranoid. The persuader also blames medical conditions, a previous relationship and his childhood for his behavior. The blame will always be on us for him hitting us. Now how to spot an early persuader: 

 He will try to make us feel sorry for him and will probably combine it with the jailer tactics (back in number 2). He will try to persuade you to do something you do not want to. For instance if you are a vegetarian he will persuade you into eating meat. Sometimes we women get so caught up in the love trap in the beginning of wanting to please the guy that our judgment is blurred. Don't just be yourself, if you give in he will see you as weak and persuade you more. This one can be hard to spot. 

5.) The Liar

The Liar (and not cute like Pinocchio) The Liar uses minimization using words like "it was only a push", it was only a joke, we are just play fighting etc. He will lie about what happened for instance saying "I had to restrain her because she was hysterical, i thought she was going to hurt me and the children" or "She fell and hurt herself but was so emotional she accused me". (Oh wow where have i heard this one before??) Another is "I was not using sexual violence she was drunk and came onto me, i need sex all the time and it was there, its not rape". Also the masively cowardly one "I was defending myself, i am the victim here. I don't know where she got those bruises from it was not me, maybe she fell?". He will lie about why it happened and blames everything on some body else and NEVER himself. For instance "I was drunk and don't remember" or "I was so angry and don't remember, its like i zoned out" also "I suffer from a medical condition that makes me lash out" "She nagged me until i snapped, she pushed my buttons". "She is the violent one i am the victim and need some help". Other excuses I suffer with ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, Othello syndrome, Bipolar etc. Believe me anything imaginative they can think of they will. This list of examples could go on and on. 

How to spot a Liar in the 1st few weeks:

 He may tell us he has had a failed relationship and have a sob story about how the horrible woman took all his money, belongings, cheated on him and wont let him see the children, etc. He will never address her by her name she will always the "The Ex" The Bitch, She devil, i think you get it. It is impossible for him to respect her. So if a man cannot respect an ex and dwells on what she has done too much that should be huge eye opener for you! He will accept no responsibility of his failed relationship and will blame her for giving him a bad time. He will tell us he was a victim of domestic violence and tell us he has low self esteem and no confidence. So we are left hating the ex and feeling sorry for him.Yep run a mile...NOW!!! You will be the next story. 

6.) The Sexual Controller

 The sexual controller..Now this is another hard one women find hard to speak out about. What is the line? "He is my boyfriend or husband so technically its not Rape" WRONG!! The sexual controller uses sex to control us and makes us have sex when he wants it. He will use persuasion to get us to do it and will nag and pester to get it until you give in. He will make you feel guilty, after all men have needs and we are hurting their feelings blah blah. If he is cowardly or lacking self esteem he will resort to getting you drunk or giving you drugs. He will use bribery, like if you give me more sex then i will be less stressed out and help you out more. He will use sex for intimidation like if we don't give him sex then he will be violent. He will slam doors and bang around when the kids are asleep to get us to give him sex, we then fear for the children so give in and have sex with him. He may use violence during sex and avoid eye contact and an emotional connection. He may threaten to get sex somewhere else if we do not give it to him. We are bullied into having sex. He may rape us when we are asleep (The sleep rapist) or wake us up for sex. He will make advantages and then reject us for sex. He will be unfaithful. He uses sex to degrade and destroy us. He believes we are objects of affection for them and must give sex on demand. 

How to spot the sexual controller early:

 He will move stuff too quickly and often try to rush sex, as well as making demands for sexy pictures or dirty talk straight away. He will also make us do things we find uncomfortable and positions we don't want to do. He will not actually communicate with us if we do not have sex with him. He is irresponsible with contraception and will refuse to wear a condom. He maybe already be married or in another relationship. He may grope us in public. 

     7.) The Badfather 

 The badfather,  ugh one of the worse i have dealt with. He will use the children against us, he will control the children and tell you that you are a bad mother. He will use access to harass us and threaten to take the children away. He will persuade you to have a baby with him and then not take care of it, or attempt to take the kid away from you and fight for full custody in the courts. He will use the court to intimidate you and take you back over nothing but lies. He will encourage the children to get us to take him back, if that does not work he will manipulate the children to get them to turn against us. He will also bad mouth us to the children and say its our fault that they do not have a mommy and daddy together at home. He will tell the children that we treated him badly and use them to emotionally abuse us. That we find it hard to parent to the best of our abilities. He will arrive late or cancel collecting his children on visitation days. If you have a new baby he may take full control and not allow you to hold the baby, get up during the night or breast feed them. Leaving you feeling inadequate (yes again can relate to this one). He will tell us we are spoiling our children and need to put more attention on him. He is often jealous of the children and many end up using them as a pawn piece to his game. Now the scary ones will threaten to kill the children (these cases have to be taken very seriously as many cases have been where a man has killed the child to punish the partner). When you end the relationship he will cry in front of the children and make sure they watch everything even when he is arguing and shouting. Domestic violence destroys children (I will discuss how it affects children in another blog post, being a child of DV I know first hand). He may make the children watch you having sex with him (Believe me this is something that sticks in your mind for life, and you often pick the same sexual partners). He will abuse one child more than another and indulge one more than the others, creating huge rivalry in the house. This means if we do leave him one will not want to go with us, but if we stay with him then the other children get damaged too, What a horrid decision to make. He will use the children to isolate us, and refuse to care for them, change their diapers, buy their milk etc. If you are separated he will use collection to insult us in front of the children, so that the children stop respecting us also. He will ask the children if we are seeing anybody else and use them as his spies that we will be too scared to get with anyone else. He abuses the children and makes us scared to show them affection, because if we do he abuses them more. 

Now how to spot a bad father early on:

(pay attention single moms not to make the same mistake). He may target another single mom or pregnant single lady (easy to control from the start) you will not leave because you feel this knight in shining armor has taken you & a baby on. He may not have contact with his own children but if we have children he will use ours to control us. He may provide financial support, practical help and over spoil the children. This is what a lot of women find the hardest as we my have been struggling on our own with the children or finances. Once established he will slowly start to dispense discipline on our children and us, with sayings like "Do they always stay up this late on school nights?", "Shouldn't they go to bed earlier?" or "You shouldn't let your children talk to you or treat you like that". 

 All the warnings will come in clusters, just always stick with your instincts if you get those uneasy feelings then pay attention to them and get out. 

 These are some of the excuses abusers have used when asked why: (taken from the Pat Craven Book) 

She was asking for it 

 She was pushing my buttons 

 She knows i hate that 

 She knows i need sex regularly. 

 She is obviously sleeping with someone else 

 Who wears the trousers in our house? 

 What sort of wife is she? 

 She was deliberately winding me up 

 How dare she make me feel this way, who does she think she is? 

She needs a good seeing to

So here is some advice that i stick to that has helped me:

Do not date again until you are over the repercussions of the abuse (so that you won't be seen as a victim or desperate to feel safe with another man) as you will only keep attracting the dominator men and not a good man. Heal first and find your confidence again. Remember to Always follow your instincts. Make sure you seek help and speak out, don't suffer in silence!! I use my experience and strength to help others.

 Some facts: 

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives

 A Woman is assaulted on average 35 times before she seeks help

In The UK 112 women a year are killed by a male partner

In The UK 22 men are killed every year by a female partner

Women are 3 times more likely to be injured if they are pregnant

At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence & nearly 3 quarters live in a house where the violence occurs.

1 in 20 women in the UK have been the victim of rape. Only 5 out of those 20 attacks are reported. 45% of those raped are by partners, strangers were only reported for 8% of rapes. 

Most women are killed or injured when leaving  a domestic violent relationship its why it is so hard for many to leave, The first month is the hardest and many go back.

There are now over 300 refuges around England for women in England (and believe me they are fantastic)

Now if you are in this situation and would like to see help here are some good links:
Also if you are still in this situation and do check out these sites, please remember to delete your computer history and phone history! You can delete phone history separately/one by one so it does not look too suspicious and your computer history can be deleted through the history tab on the right side of the internet page, again i would recommend deleting just the sites you do not want him to see you visited, it will look suspicious if there is no history at all. When you join sites do so with an alias name and try not to have photo of yourself, or mention the partners name when discussing. 

The Freedom Programme  you can find out about freedom programme's through your health visitor and local children's centers. The book is a god send i have given out so many to people i have gained from courses.

Womans Aid this site also has a protected chat forum so you can talk to other victims and survivors

Victim Support Actually the best out of the organisations. They help straight away and help give you equipment and advice you may need. 

Refuge another great site full of information and refuges to go to.

National Domestic Violence Hotline My experience with them has been not up to par, they are so busy i have had to leave a voice mail every time and eventually get a call back within 6 hours. 1 time resulting in me being punched in front of my neighbors, what do you know i pressed no charges and lied about the abuse. I was sent female police officers who were very unhelpful. Its funny because the majority of the female officers have no sense of feeling, i find its the male officers who are more emotionally in touch to want to help us. Funny considering its men we are terrified of. When i was raped back in 2011 the male officer i had helped me see there was still some good in men, i thank that officer for so much. With his help, Womans Aid, My Dr and Very good friends i made it through the storm and though my life is still not easy i am happy and strong.  

While doing a bit more research for the organisations i noticed on Refuge that one of the amazing youtubers i follow Lauren Luke who speaks out against domestic violence. 

 Follow this amazing make up guru on Youtube here

See her speaking out here

If you find commenting on here too uncomfortable i can reply to your email in confidence at neveradullmomnt@live.com. I am here for anyone who wants to talk, and remember you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are confident....don't let any weak abuser tell you any different.

Jamey xo

*Disclaimer - I only add links to websites i personally recommend or use.

All opinions are my own and you can read my full disclaimer here.

Keep up with all my posts ↓↓↓ 

INSTAGRAM || BLOGLOVIN